Five on Friday: I'm an Asshole Parent Because . . . (Second in a Series)

As I mentioned last week, younger kids provide a constant barrage of insanity:

Not my kid but I did have one not only touch dog poop but then
repeatedly sniff her hand while telling me what she had done.

. . . therefore inspiring multitudes of social media posts. The above example is from this article that points out how these one hundred twenty-one parents are real assholes:

I didn't have a kid try this one but the again, we didn't have goats.
I did have a kid eat cat litter once--with a fork, right out of the box.

The Internet is full of these hysterical, disgusting, relatable examples of ways parents of toddlers are real assholes--doing terrible things like offering children some cheese.  Just awful.

I find myself wondering, what about parents of tweens & teens? Can't we be assholes, too??? 

Yes we can! print by artist Josh MacPhee

Our kids might not be throwing themselves on the ground in protest anymore but that's only because they've evolved. I couldn't take pictures of them when I was a total asshole parent recently, but I can admit my shame and explain their reactions:

1. I offered to treat him to anything he wanted at the super hip local coffee shop. (Reaction: crossed arms, tapped foot, refused to make eye contact with anyone even though he was basically blocking entrance to the coffee shop, generally acted like being there in that moment was the worst thing to ever happen to him.)

2. I asked her to turn her inside-out sweater the right way before going to Easter dinner. (Reaction: eye roll and an "UGH.")

3. His father and I asked him how he did in one of his track events--no wait, it gets worse--AT the track event in FRONT of other people who could SEE us communicating with him. (Reaction: looked around furtively to see if anyone noticed, eye roll.)

4. I wouldn't give her money for no reason when I had already just given her money for no reason a day before. (Reaction: stamped foot, stormed away, acted really pissed off to everyone for about ten minutes.)

5.  I ate the leftover Chinese food for lunch. The leftover Chinese food that I had paid for but didn't get a chance to eat for dinner myself and was left in the fridge after they had all packed for lunch? Yes, that leftover Chinese food. (Reaction: OH MY GOD MOM NO FAIR!)